How to Survive Your Best Friend’s Children
Grin and bear it. Just keep smiling, keep a pleasant disposition, and count the minutes until you get to leave and no longer have to deal with your high school best friend’s toddler and newborn. Human babies are cute enough, I’ll grant you. Kind of wrinkly and mostly potato like, but cute enough. Unless they are hungry and screaming their heads off. Then they are suddenly less cute. Toddlers are cute enough too. After all, they’re just small humans and when they want to be they can smile and be rather nice. Unless they missed their nap this afternoon. Then they are little monsters who only speak the word ‘no’ at a very high volume. The time that newborns and toddlers are cute is very short indeed and has usually expired after 10 minutes of exposure.
Now, to said best friends. I know you love your kids. I know you think your kids are the best in the world. I’m happy for you that you got married and popped out two mini humans in an ambivalent, ‘good for you if that’s what you want’ type of way. But, I know that I have told you more than once in our past association that I don’t like kids. I know I used the word ‘hate’ in your presence before. We’ve known each other for over 15 years. I know I’ve told you I don’t like kids multiple times. That has not suddenly changed. It does not mean I dislike all kids except yours. It means I don’t like any kids, including yours. I don’t understand how you can think I feel any different.
I tolerate exposure to your kids for the sake of our friendship but I do not enjoy my contact with your little brats. Inviting me over to your house for dinner to meet your newborn son and spend time with your two year old daughter does not enthuse me. Honestly, it’s paramount to torture but because I’ve missed you lately, I’ll be a nice person and bite my tongue and hold your baby and hug your toddler and pretend I find the screaming and poopy diapers and such amusing and not at all irritating when I am in fact really envisioning duct tape and a box. Because I hate children and that includes yours.
So, when forced to visit your friend and her offspring, wear a shirt you’re not all that attached to because the newborn is going to spit up on you while you’re holding him. For some reason your friend is going to leave you with said newborn while she runs upstairs to do something ‘real quick’ or has to change the toddlers pants for a reason I’m sure you can all imagine. Fortify yourself and take some ibuprofen before arriving because the toddler is going to have a major melt down and begin screaming during dinner. She is also probably going to throw something at you. Remember you are not allowed to spank her, even though your own parents would have beaten you black and blue for such behavior when you were that age. For some reason, spanking your child is frowned upon in this day and age. I can’t understand why.
You will survive dealing with your best friends kids. At some point the toddler is going to go to bed. (Note that this will be another time when your friend leaves you with the newborn so she can put the toddler to bed. This will be when the baby spits up on you.) At some point the newborn will fall asleep in his bouncy chair and stay asleep. This is when you and your friend can relax and really reconnect. You will have a pleasant and enjoyable conversation on the couch while eating some ice cream and you’ll remember why you like this person so much and are, in fact, friends with her. Before you know it, it will be 11pm and you’ll both be yawning uncontrollably and it will be time to leave because you have work in the morning, dang it, and you should probably get some sleep. You’ll have a stain on your shirt and a small headache from the screaming but you will have survived your best friend’s children.